Now, that's a scary thought

Yes, I am still searching, and above all questioning myself. What love? What kind of love? Is it possible to find virtual love or real love in a virtual environment? I have felt the overpowering obsession here (on-line), and I called that love. Unfortunately it was with a woman that lived on the other side of the world. While the distance did make me feel safe, during a time when I still needed to feel safe, I was able to let go of my inhibitions. I fear love! I fear the power that it can hold over me, and the ability that emotions have to preclude logic. My dilemma today is how to make the leap from virtual emotional involvement into a more real flesh and blood woman. I can fall in love so easy, it makes me back off before I know what might be right. There is within me a burning sexual passion that runs just under the surface. If I am to chase the physical pleasure of sex, I also know that there is a danger of creating an aura of love, even if I only see a passionate moment.

So, at this moment, an interesting situation is unfolding. There are two women that I am communicating with, playing the get to know you game of interest, opening up, revealing ours pasts, hopes and dreams for the future, and the burning desires that consume our sub-conscious as well as conscious thoughts. The first is two hundred miles away and we play the sexual tease, cyber-sex, I want you in bed with me so soon. The other is in Sweden. Now this is not quite the short drive of the first, there is interest... but more on the Platonic, what is life and love all about, and how we might find perfect love... that level of conversation. The first is married for another few months with a huge pool of damned up sexual energy that is ready for a passionate affair, but with two small girls at home (but not all of the time). The second is twice married, with four grown children, and a ten year old at home. She is English, but a long time resident of Sweden. She tells me she is looking for new ground to sink her roots into, and would be able to consider such a move, but the reality is that we continue to explore the perfect dream. One is named Carol, the other Caroline. Both are slim, with short dark hair, and not like most other women that I have dated. Neither one is particularly buxom, but healthy, and in some ways they both remind me of my mother when she was in her 40s. Now that is a scary thought, and a new one for me.