A moment's rage...

My time is not my own, and never will be. It belongs to those people around me that I deem to be most important. Now, a large part of my waking hours are devoted to a job that I sometimes love and sometimes hate, but even here the effort is to be the provider for my son. I am not so self-centered that I feel that I must have things come to me, or always go my way, but I do see myself as the center of my universe... as you are the center of yours, and we all are complete universes of our own, pushing our own limits, exploring our pasts, and being weary of the future. When viewed as a collective, it is a crime what appears. We are on a collective path of self destruction as we poison our world, and wage multiple wars of genocide, and oppressing masses for the perverted power hungry few. Damn... It's time to fix supper for my son.

Ahhhhaa.... (sigh) Supper actually turned out OK. Red beans & rice, there was some kind of meat & yellow corn for the splash of color and juicy texture. I am not bitter at the world (unless I think about it). It has actually been one hell of a month... a death to deal with, two hurricanes, the democratic convention, Olympics, cyber-sex and camping with the boy. There is another storm on the way, and the republicans are having their party in N.Y.C. September will bring soccer and cooler nights. I will make a concerted effort to find a date that requires little or no money, spend more time on the farm, and answer the question that was triggered by the lyrics... "if you can't be with the one you love... love the one your with" I am not trying to define love, but I do wonder... is there magic... are the fireworks real... where do the butterflies come from ???

the feelings were real... and still are

The following was written late in 2002, about feelings created from a vitual love, for a woman that stole my heart... and those feelings are just as real today.

As I write this, it has become autumn, and my son has just turned nine years old, the first cool rains of the season have snuck down from the mountains. The leaves are lighting the forest floor and the sun filtering between the branches shines like a multi-colored prism. Music still drifts thru opened windows before dusk, and darkness seems to slowly hide that special time of summer when we would stay outside laughing until it was almost time for bed. That laughter has not been with me for some time, but something special has happened in my life. I have encountered a special spirit. One person that has been capable of igniting that spark of emotion, which has for so long slept within me. I have felt new life swelling and dancing, in and around me; and the laughter and smiles are spontaneous, and contagious, and addictive. Oh, to have that potion, that magic, that supernatural power... is something that we often seek elsewhere; but it is because we sometimes forget that this power is within us always. Those emotions can not live alone, and that is why we sometimes loose sight of them. But the journey to bring them back is the journey of life itself. How often have we experienced an emotional charge so powerful that we can never forget, so wonderful that it must be shared, and so fleeting, that we spend a lifetime searching to bring it back. Those emotions can be kept alive and vibrant by other souls who reach out across space and time, and breathe life into us, as we can also reach out. Life is not about satisfying the self, but about sharing the self. In this way we become larger and wiser than we could ever be alone. We become more alive in every gift of love and compassion that can be shared with another. We become more whole as we surrender to a power larger than our own...

Now, that's a scary thought

Yes, I am still searching, and above all questioning myself. What love? What kind of love? Is it possible to find virtual love or real love in a virtual environment? I have felt the overpowering obsession here (on-line), and I called that love. Unfortunately it was with a woman that lived on the other side of the world. While the distance did make me feel safe, during a time when I still needed to feel safe, I was able to let go of my inhibitions. I fear love! I fear the power that it can hold over me, and the ability that emotions have to preclude logic. My dilemma today is how to make the leap from virtual emotional involvement into a more real flesh and blood woman. I can fall in love so easy, it makes me back off before I know what might be right. There is within me a burning sexual passion that runs just under the surface. If I am to chase the physical pleasure of sex, I also know that there is a danger of creating an aura of love, even if I only see a passionate moment.

So, at this moment, an interesting situation is unfolding. There are two women that I am communicating with, playing the get to know you game of interest, opening up, revealing ours pasts, hopes and dreams for the future, and the burning desires that consume our sub-conscious as well as conscious thoughts. The first is two hundred miles away and we play the sexual tease, cyber-sex, I want you in bed with me so soon. The other is in Sweden. Now this is not quite the short drive of the first, there is interest... but more on the Platonic, what is life and love all about, and how we might find perfect love... that level of conversation. The first is married for another few months with a huge pool of damned up sexual energy that is ready for a passionate affair, but with two small girls at home (but not all of the time). The second is twice married, with four grown children, and a ten year old at home. She is English, but a long time resident of Sweden. She tells me she is looking for new ground to sink her roots into, and would be able to consider such a move, but the reality is that we continue to explore the perfect dream. One is named Carol, the other Caroline. Both are slim, with short dark hair, and not like most other women that I have dated. Neither one is particularly buxom, but healthy, and in some ways they both remind me of my mother when she was in her 40s. Now that is a scary thought, and a new one for me.

No complaints, and few regrets

I am not complaining, as I found that I can be my own best friend. I waited until my late 30s before I felt the urge to marry and settle down. I know now, and I knew then that I was in love, but there was also this need that I felt to have a child and a family of my own. It was a nesting response to my age, and probably the fact that most of my friends were having children of their own. I could not let this part of life pass me by. I have had few actual loves, or love affairs in my life. I know that feeling is as sweet as anything I have ever experienced, and I know the agony of losing love is the worst. I have only been married once. It was an on and off relationship for years, and when I wanted to bring it all together, and commit, there was no question in my mind. I take commitment to be a serious and personal virtue. There are certain things that define who, or what we are. I am trying to make the ability to be trusted, and and having a sense of honor a constant in my life. I am far from perfect, and do not try to be, but I do have the best of intentions. When my marriage ended, it was a feeling of betrayal of that commitment that hurt, I think even more than the feeling that there was a love lost. The love in my marriage slowly faded while I was consumed with a long term crisis at work. I knew what was coming at work before it happened, and my attempt to prepare my wife was not a success. As I was consumed at work, trying to save the business, my wife was having problems of her own that I was not in tune with. There is not blame, and there is not overt feelings of anger, but I will always resent that the contract was broken. The big picture will indicate that the choice was a wise one. It has been said many times, and I will not dissagree... it is better to live alone, than to live with someone that you do not love. My son is well adjusted, and has two wonderful homes... each with it's own benefits and lessons, but often I think he has been short changed on some opportunities that I alone can not provide.

A Sunday muse

There is a certain joy knowing that a seed has been planted. There can be great wondrous growth, and the height and breath of friendship will only be dependant upon our willingness to tend this garden. I am aware that too much fertilizer will surely poison the soil, so please mention to me if you think that I am off track. I may even be dead wrong about life, about love, or I may seem to place too much hope in phantom goals and dreams. I do not mind being corrected, and I learn from my mistakes every day. The quest for love is a challenge, and the opportunities are many. I do know what I seek, and it is a feeling, and it is real. There is not a word that describes love, and the contentment that it brings. It was once said that to define love is to surely kill it. We dare not set boundaries and limits. We will rejoice in our open hearts, but there is a rational life that also must be weighed and understood. I pray that my words can touch common nerves, tickle the soul with happy thoughts, bring knowledge, peace, and a deeper, richer understanding of the self. If love, true love is to be found here it will take an incredible set of circumstances and a willingness to follow our dreams. I am happy with myself, but I also know that life is better when it is shared. The highs are always higher, and the lows are less so.

Let me speak of love and passion between a man and a woman. These two allies are very different. While one tastes fine with the other, love without passion could be as simple as respect, and passion without love might equate to lust. I think that given a choice, many of use would choose love over passion, but the animal in us is strong. The instincts that have driven the procreation of our species are rooted deep in the psyche. Stand close, next to an attractive stranger (opposite sex please), and lightly rub up against them. This (hypothetical) experiment may work better in a crowded room if you don’t want to appear to be too seriously forward, but the passion light can be switched on so quickly. While most of us have learned to manage such advances with grace, dancing away with little more than an unanswered question, there is an opportunity to grab the moment and search for an introduction, and a new meaning on a more Platonic level. It may be that society requires a measure of respect in order to move this encounter to a higher level. Almost all of relationships will live and die somewhere within the realm of respect. There is a danger in being focused on the physical. Most of us have experienced total sexual fulfillment or satisfaction, and this comes after varying degrees of both physical as well as mental intercourse, or we have simply learned to suppress these desires. When our libidos have been satisfied, we are left with respect of our partner, or not. It is in this state of mental union that the relationship will grow and flourish, or wither and die. Sex, and the desire for satisfaction will sometimes covertly drive a conversation, the choice to see one another, or it may be the other more purely human need to satisfy the ego.

Death comes knocking

Death came knocking this week. Sam's uncle Patrick, Ellen's brother, died after a month in hospital, and a half dozen surgeries to mend intestinal problems. Now death is not a new concept for Sam, but being only ten years old, death has a strange un-nerving effect. He managed a few special prayers, told me that he felt better not talking about it.

For me, I have lost a friend, but no longer a member of the family. It is very odd meeting with the ex family, with whom I had once developed friendships, now distanced by divorce. Such is my life. The entire death event was unexpected, but with such an extended hospital stay, the end was a relief for the family. I did what I could from the sidelines, but it was not my grief to bare.

All of the turmoil that this has created seems to have pushed my personal interests aside. I do not worry about myself, but it does make me wonder what control the past has over my life. For the sake of my son, I do wish to maintain good relations with the ex. There is still a bitter-root at the cross-roads. I can forgive many things, but to be so personally betrayed, with promises broken and dreams dashed, will always be unpleasant to remember and forgiveness will never truly be realized.

return mail...

I have been the recipient of several provocative e-mails from a warm, caring, sensual woman. She is attractive, and apparently has not had the pleasure of sharing a bed with any man in several years. I was propositioned to respond to her messages with a fantasy of my own...

I wonder now, how to began... My attraction for you, my first impression, what enticed me to write was the sight of a woman that I felt could be both serious and fun, hardworking and playful, composed but with a burning desire to be satisfied. Yes I am saying that even looking at that small picture of you, I could see in your eyes (and lips, and hips, and loins...), a longing and a desire to be held, and taken by a man to places that you could not go alone. There is a special feeling of leaving the world behind when surrendering to the passions of sexual pleasure. Exploring the sometimes dark corners of the mind (and body), by throwing open the guarded windows of our souls, feeling safe to expose the imperfect in order to create a moment in time that is so rich in pleasure and satisfaction that all other cares and worries simply melt away and are forgotten.



I wonder of all of my fantasies, how I could began to describe the place or circumstances... a warm summer afternoon, a room with sunlight, and a soft breeze hinting at the smell of autumn. You would be dressed in a light cotton sun dress... buttons down the front... exposing tanned breasts, Bare foot, with a cool dry wine to tickle the senses and calm the nerves. We talk and laugh, touch and stare into one anothers eyes... wondering of the history that has been... and the history not yet written. This is where the words between us no longer matter... our bodies are close... pressing against one another in an embrace... lips meeting... with eyes closing the distractions of the world. There is a smell of... the woman. Kissing the lips, the mouth, tasting the juices and your skin for the first time... letting my head slide beside yours to taste the curve and texture of your neck, pulling your hair slightly back out of my face... my hands are moving slowly... exploring the curves of your waist, your hips and buttocks... squeezing and sliding lightly over the fabric of your dress. This moment... these moments could go on, and on... testing... and tasting... holding, and squeezing... stroking your hair and sucking at your lips and tongue. You let me hold your breasts, and my hands are full... your eyes close with a sigh of pleasure... and you murmur that yes... you want me. Still standing, I reach down below the hem of the dress to touch your leg, and I slowly run my hand up your thigh... and down. Back up, feeling the soft firmness of your legs, I let my hand rub across your mound, still covered by a silky garment that hides a warming, pulsating, and damping pussy. You spread your legs slightly as I let my hand dip between your thighs and there are more moans, and your face is becoming flushed with desire and your breathing a little deeper. Lightly, there is a touch, a movement, a pressure and release that has your legs open wider and your pelvis pushing into my hand. I slip my fingers under the vail to feel the softness of your hairs, the warm dampness below, and my fingers slowly travel the length of your pussy... your hand comes down upon mine... pushing slowly upon my fingers... I let one slip inside of you... yes... you are thinking, and saying, feeling and moving that this feels good, and that you are ready for more...

Later the same day...

The afternoon was long... expecting Sam sometime after 4.00... he arrives at 9.00. The Olympics are on the tube, and if I watch it... I am excited by the chase for gold, and the stories of sacrifice that all of these atheletes have gone through.

Again I get the note... the message that makes me want to know the author: Joining you in your shower, sharing passionate kisses as water rushes over wet flesh pressed together in a passionate embrace, sharing a long sensual kiss, tongues dancing together and fingers exploring other areas to excite and stimulate further desire...Laying back in bed and sharing kisses...kisses beginning at the nape of necks and journeying to ear lobes and lips and playfully finding other erogenous zones of pleasure where we elicit sounds of pleasure and delight...Secretly desiring your closeness...the smile we share as we meet...pulse racing ,heart beating faster...longing to touch and share conversation with laughter and gentle caresses...

Charley

Named Charley

It is mid-day Saturday, and the storm named Charley has just missed (by about 20 miles) going right over mom & dad. They got a good blow in Charleston, and some rain, but everything is well. The news headline was that there was "significant loss of life" in Florida. Is there ever an insignificant loss of life? I have spent another Saturday morning at work (too many loose ends), and Sam is off to do the Virginia Creeper Trail with Pack 1. I should have gone, but between work, mowing grass here, and getting some groceries I feel a little stretched.

Another nice note to share: The soft sensual feeling of lips pressed together in a passionate kiss... Parting lips revealing probing tongues... Probing tongues entwined dancing together in a long passionate kiss... Caressing hands gently touching, feeling, squeezing soft pliable flesh... Yes, it is a tease... but a healthy one I think!

As of yesterday, Patrick is holding his own after being in the hospital for three weeks, and being cut open a half dozen times.

I'm not lost...

I'm exploring !

for George

So is there news ? Only if I am speaking of work.

It is a trip… with the boss being gone, and both a president & vice president wanting to shake the trees, it is anything but dull. It sounds like a good opportunity to get noticed, but somehow not so good for love. I am very much aware of the roll that my job, and the manner in which I controlled it (rather it controlled me), had a real affect on my life and marriage. I am also aware that those problems persist, but I am wiser, and my attitude has changed somewhat. My life is not my work, and the responsibly there is not all mine to assume. I get ticked off at those that are doing less than their best, and I see how one gear can make the entire process grind under the pressure to perform. Teamwork is going to be my new mantra, and communication the golden rule. I am a great armchair critic, but then there is the question of what I would really do to change things for the better.

For now I am chillin’ with PBS’s Great Performances. This week it is the Concert for George (Harrison) at the Royal Albert Hall, with Eric Clapton, Jeff Lynne, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Billy Preston, and Ringo Starr.



In answer to a question...

My fantasy meal ? To be honest (maybe), I think that the meal I enjoy the most, and eat the least is breakfast. There is a real smorgasbord of good food, from the traditional eggs & bacon, shrimp & grits, continental muslix and roll, toast & jam, Belgian waffles or deep fried pastry... fruit, yogurt & juice (not too tangy)... really good coffee... and an hour or so of Champaign & orange juice (mimosas) with strawberries on the side. Now to consume this, assuming that we have the time and wish to enjoy the moment... maybe a deck of some kind... preferably facing east, with a soft breeze, a few clouds to add some color, and large soft bed close by... with a few extra pillows, and a lock on the gate that means keep out... I guess I can finish later (if you think of anything I forgot)

What a great show on the tube... now to be followed by Phish (Go PBS !)

Here is a post, sent by Kathy:

I AM A CHRISTIAN (By Maya Angelo)

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but,
God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than Thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's grace, somehow

I have learned this...

I have learned this at least by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
Henry David Thoreau



It has been nine years since Garcia passed away,
and I still hear his voice most days.

I always liked the morning the BEST!

so she writes:

You have felt right, and I have considered and imagined the pleasure of you! Would you like me to elaborate?:-D I don't think that it is possible to satisfy all of those desires and keep the heart protected and guarded unless there first has been established a relationship of love. True love, and I know in my heart that I have truly loved, I doubt that I have been truly loved and for me even though the sexual part is a very good part, I want the true love part! To truly accept another for the way that he is, with all his good and not so good and for him to truly accept me for all my good and bad too, the way that I am!

I always liked the morning the BEST! I can fantasize about how I would like to feel the pleasure you can give too! And I would in turn like to fantasize about the pleasure that I could give to you too! Maybe I could elaborate on this at another time?

... and what a nice way to start the day. There are several problems to overcome in order to build a relationship. She is still a few months away from having her divorce finally granted by the courts, and then there is the distance. I am not going to rush anything, or anyone. Love is like water and rises to it's own level.

another lost weekend...

I have a few moments to chat, and maybe get a note off before going to bed. The reasons for this blog are many, and one very important one would be personal accountability. The story is not all about love & lust, but rather the daily ups & downs (peeks & valleys), of a recently divorced 50-something male, apparently without a clue as to which path to choose... or better yet sit tight a while longer. A 10-year-old is a good reason to at least have an appearance of stability.

Day One

I start the blog, but the journey is well underway...