Saturday, January 01, 2005

It is a new year

The Year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Five... and I still have much to learn. I am 51 years old, two years divorced, and I continue the search for love. I find myself not know how to deal with new relationships. I stumble in an awkward manner with polite hellos & winks, but fail to make meaningful connections with anyone resembling a mate. I actually do not care to share the details of my cyber-sex, my advances & rejections, or electrifying moments that seem to vanish. I am committed to continue the search. I will find a soul-mate, lover and companion. I can not say if it will be this year, but I will continue the search. I am also going to make a commitment to become more organized and live in a cleaner, neater environment, for my sake and the sake of my son while I continue the search.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

DON'T FENCE ME IN

Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evenin' breeze,
And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees,
Send me off forever but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in.

Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western skies.
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.

I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
And gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
And I can't look at hovels and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in.

Oh, give me land, lots of land under starry skies,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide open country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evenin' breeze
And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever but I ask you please,
Don't fence me in

Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western skies
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.
Ba boo ba ba boo.

I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
And gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
And I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in.
No.
Poppa, don't you fence me in

Cole Porter, 1944

Monday, October 11, 2004

by example...

The love that I have watched over this past weekend has roots that reach so deep there is not a wind that could blow it away, nor a drought that could starve it from existence. Now I do realize that we all have perceptions of our own families that are biased one way or another, but watching my parents, and listening to their problems, reaffirms my belief in the very real commitment that two people can make (not easy/but possible). My dear father is well into his 90s. He is suffering from dementia, and a body that is in decline. My mother is a few years younger and has her own physical ailments, but these two people have weathered every storm (and there have been many), and they are still there for each other in whatever capacity that they have left. I see their lives and bodies shrinking, and their minds struggle not to fade to quickly. It is sad for me to know that I will be saying goodbye to these wonderful people. These two people have been my strength and anchor thru some of my darker moments, and they have been there for me. Never overbearing, but always supportive. In the days to come, I will have them close in my thoughts, and I pray that there is some message that I can give to them that will instill a feeling of peace, accomplishment, and satisfaction with what they have become.



Chapter 40. Dementia
A deterioration of intellectual function and other cognitive skills, leading to a decline in the ability to perform activities of daily living.

Dementia is characterized by cognitive decline that occurs with a normal state of consciousness and in the absence of other acute or subacute disorders that may cause reversible cognitive decline (eg, delirium, depression). Dementia is one of the most serious disorders affecting the elderly. The prevalence of dementia increases rapidly with age; it doubles every 5 years after age 60. Dementia affects only 1% of those aged 60 to 64 but 30 to 50% of those > 85. In the USA, about 4 to 5 million persons are affected, and dementia is the leading cause of institutionalization among the elderly. The prevalence among elderly nursing home residents is estimated to be 60 to 80%.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I'm just responding...

( story has been deleted )

The tale is about building bonds between people that are so pleasing and secure that our faces can not hide the peace that we find inside. Nesting under a star filled sky, two lovers are creating a new universe via the merging of their souls. We never think about such things when they happen, and seldom think of it after. The joining together, the mutual give and take, and the dropping of barriers that guard our most private inner beings does create a bond of sharing. Very special and personal. In some ways this also is related to the way that new relationships sometimes come away with differing perspectives after enjoying a night of passion. The guys (that's me) may think that was so good, getting layed (and she even said it was good, and I believed her). The ladies, more often than the men (I speculate), feel that sense of sharing, or giving something of themselves. I am not particularly sexist, but I do acknowledge certain differences of opinion between the sexes (when viewed as a group). Am I wrong about this? Who knows? and as long as no one ever reads the question, I am safe to assume what I wish.


Sunday, October 03, 2004

Sunday...

My wonder is reflective... is self directed...

Judging by the people that I have met on line, and all of the bloggers (still a bit new for me), I do not think I am so very different. I guess being 50 something is a bit different (not worried about school), and not anal-izing the impending election (bet you already know how you will vote) is a bit different, and not trying to sell you something (just me) is a bit different... but we are all the same. We are existing in differing universes, with differing realities, and our portals and receptors are filled with differing data... but we are the same. When our time has come, and gone... we will continue to be the same.

OR NOT !
Now, I do know that we are different. I know that there is good and evil on the world. I know that there is love & hate, joy & sorrow, peace & war... I know that we are different. It is not my job to judge you, and I (we) only ask for acceptance. I know that we are different, but to think that one is better or worse than another is only an opinion, base upon our own experiences. The more differences that we can prove, the more that we prove...
we will continue to be the same!
I added part 2 (below),
and this is cool too:

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Saturday...

In deference to my friend, I deleted her last story. Now there is another... While I can, I will share...


(the story has been deleted)



Now she tells me that there is more to come, so I will consider my next move. This is not love, but the stimulation is pleasant, and I do tease as well.

I have put in my nine hours (gratis), at the office... and I was planning on a night on the farm. On the way home I drove thru a MFing downpour, so I will watch the radar. I can think of few places (within a reasonable distance), that I would rather be, but it does get kind of depressing to be out alone... and wondering why. It is half four, so I will attempt to connect with the spirits... searching for inspiration, and satisfaction. Stay tuned.

Monday, September 27, 2004

She will seek satisfaction!

I am really dumbfounded by the story below. I have never had such a tale written for me, but I recognize this is an expression of inner passion and sexual desire that has languished for years suddenly being released. I would never betray my virtual lover, but to think that such a burning desire will seek satisfaction! I now am called upon to respond, and it will be difficult trying to touch those same sensitivities. I am not sure if I feel safe enough to expose those very personal thoughts, but I see the exercise as healthy. I do have passion, and remain sexually frustrated, but it is love that I seek. There is also the danger of calling such an erotic encounter... amours. Time will tell, and I will respond ... (but only after I catch my breath).

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Parts I & II (mature audiences only)

... and I have added part III !

she says:

~ part 1 ~

~ part 2 ~

~ part 3 ~

and then she says that the story was "for your eyes only"


Saturday, September 25, 2004

Jeanne



again !

the fantasy continues

Part 1 has been moved to 9/26

Saturday...

As my son and one of his mates are playing virtual everything on the PS2, I am still searching for an adult partner & playmate in my own box. I have gotten a few hits (winks) on my dating profile, but distance seems to be a killer. It is not the distance per say... I have felt the butterflies from about as far a distance as two paths could cross. I do desire more than the virtual tickles, and titillating teases that are fun, good for the ego, and proof (at least by one measure), that my libido is functioning. I am not using this blog as bait for a mate, but through having to rationalize & justify my efforts... I hope to stay focused.








2 entries found for jade.

Main Entry: jade
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): jad·ed; jad·ing
transitive senses

1 a : to wear out by overwork or abuse b : to tire or dull through repetition or excess

2 obsolete : to make ridiculous
intransitive senses : to become weary or dulled
synonym see TIRE





Thursday, September 23, 2004

4 doors...

It could be better... but the price was right, and now my son can pile all of his friends in. Is this my destiny ? Is this what I have become ? I'll tell you all one thing...

I ain't given up the pick up !



Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I digress

First opinions are often worth a second look. A few days ago, I posted the intro to a blog that seemed to me (at that time), to be somewhat bitter and resentful of love. The more I have read, the more that I am of the mind that they are really not very much different than myself, and the rest of us (I'm sure that they are glad to hear that), that may have been wounded in love. I believe that what we are doing is licking our wounds (yuck!). We all do that in our own way, and often the taste is bitter. I applaude their dialog, as truly


Before we can love another...
Before we can give it away...
We must truly love ourselves,
and be able to listen "calmly"
to what the heart doth say.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Summer's almost gone


Summer's almost gone
Summer's almost gone
Almost gone
Yeah, it's almost gone
Where will we be
When the summer's gone?

Morning found us calmly unaware
Noon burn gold into our hair
At night, we swim the laughin' sea
When summer's gone
Where will we be
Where will we be
Where will we be

Morning found us calmly unaware
Noon burn gold into our hair
At night, we swim the laughin' sea
When summer's gone
Where will we be

Summer's almost gone
Summer's almost gone
We had some good times
But they're gone
The winter's comin' on
Summer's almost gone

The Doors
Waiting for the Sun (1968)

the fantasy... or is it ?

I am still searching for a very special spirit. A woman that possesses calm assurance, with a deep passion for living. Able to be trusting, and trusted. A good listener, with something to say . . . I know that whatever words I choose, the real truth is in the chemistry of souls. Where needs can be met, voids filled, and the whole is clearly greater than the sum of the two parts. We all have a story to share, and all of these stories are worth hearing. We are all on separate journeys, and what has brought us to this place is our desire not to make that journey alone. Do you have a passion for the wind, the water, the earth ? Can the soft song of the tree frog make the corners of your mouth rise up into a smile ? Will you let the morning mist linger, just long enough so that you must act, to pull back the veil that hides the day ? The words in my profile will change, but I am who I am, and I will always try to be open and honest. I like a woman that is active, intelligent, has a mind and opinions of her own, takes time to enjoy nature's gifts and mankind's creativity, and still knows how to have a good time. Someone that is just as comfortable slipping a cold one out of the cooler, as sipping Champaign out of crystal. - Can you get down and dirty, and shoot straight if you need to ? Are you able to stand up for your rights, care deeply for others, and leap tall buildings in a single bound ? Can you look deep within yourself, but not take yourself too seriously ? Can you cook ? I am looking for someone who works hard, and plays hard, and enjoys quite times when they roll around. For me, family and friends are the flowers of life's garden; and must be nurtured and cared for. Expand your universe to include as many bright and shining stars as possible, and fill your empty spaces with memories of days and nights, of love and companionship. Life is short, Enjoy the day !

Sunday, September 19, 2004

My thanks to Mr. Frost

This simple piece of prose (below), was read to me in my childhood. It has been hanging like a tapestry behind many of my life’s choices, giving a flavor and color to my decisions. This alone does not say to me that I must resist the establishment or the norm, but it is an acknowledgement that sometimes decisions are not reversible. Today, I still follow my heart, tempered by logic, and a love for adventure and challenge. I thank God for the blessings which are mine this day, and while I question the injustice and inequity of the world, I also pray that I am here to serve some purpose.

it is my choice, or

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in the yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that made all the difference


Robert Frost

Saturday, September 18, 2004

a previous -ism



I am a product of the ages, molded by experiences that you have shared with me from afar. To me, the 50's means safety, family, everything is new and fresh; amazing and powerful. This was when I was led by the hand to the edge of the sea, and as the world was given to me, I learned not to conquer fear but rather to respect it. The 60's was an awakening. I was there as a part of the young end of a revolution that continues to shake and shape the world, creating a new awareness, testing the boundaries, and questioning the truth. The 70's was a time of hard lessons. I had the answers, and asked the questions that many did not want to hear. I also learned what it was like, to be wrong for the right reasons, and right for the wrong reasons. The 80's was a time of new responsibilities, and the real world. I often struggled to keep my freedom, while acknowledging my place in the social order. The 90's to me was all about family again. It was about marriage, birth, property, responsibility, becoming my father ? The social and emotional values that are a part of me now, are the same ones that we all shared to a lesser or greater extent. I am the middle class, white, protestant, male; for whom rebellion did not mean putting down society, but rather searching for a better path. I fear that I have strayed, and it is time for me to return to those noble ideals and visions that so excited my youth. My journey will not be alone, as there are many teachers for me to find. I am not complete, but by focusing on the whole, each part will be shaped and satisfied in its own time. Then, there is my quest to find that singularly special; God sent spirit, for whom my soul longs. I will only find my mate by trials of truth, honor and perseverance. By giving of myself, I hope to be able to find the peace that will make my life truly happy and fulfilled, while honoring both my maker and my family, and leaving the world and the people in it, with a richer existence.

Profile-isms

It has probibly been a month since I signed into my on-line dating service, and months before that since I updated my profile. I figure it is time to at least do a re-write of the "about me". By making an effort to to connect (to be open and available), I may find a friend or two that I didn't have before. Time is my biggest foe, and easiest excuse. I will use this as my drafting board, and these words will likely be edited in the days ahead.

'bout me

I am rock solid, with my best years still ahead of me. I am experienced, versed and tested. By nature, I am compelled by my passions but I am not overly materialistic. My personal joy comes from having given an honest effort to do my best, yet I am still willing to accept mistakes. I will acknowledge those flaws that make us unique individuals and special in our own way, and do not fear the truth. I get great pleasure from the efforts and achievements of others, and from the wondrous gifts that can be found in nature. I can relax, and I still know how to play. There are times when my sense of humor is off beat (maybe even bazaar to some). I do not intend to spend my life alone, and can think of nothing more fulfilling than a richly romantic, playful and passionate partnership. Right now, I am happy to just share a cup of coffee, or a walk in the park.

This sounds crappy at the moment, so when I get in from cutting the grass, this may get cut too.

Friday, September 17, 2004

before I dash...






Just for fun !

Ivan



'nuf said

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Wisdoms from the past

This is a bit much to digest at all at once. I may make reference to this text many times in the future. The text is from http://www.epicurus.info/ So, where are the wise men of today ?


The Principal Doctrines of Epicurus

Below are the webmaster's favorite translations for each of Epicurus' Principal Doctrines, also known as his "Sovran Maxims," which comes down to us from the Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers by Diogenes Laërtius.

1) That which is happy and imperishable, neither has trouble itself, nor does it cause trouble for anyone else; therefore, it is not subject to feelings of either anger or indebtedness; for these feelings only exist in what is weak.

2) Death is nothing to us; for that which has been dispersed into elements experiences no sensations, and that which has no sensation is nothing to us.

3) The extent of pleasure reaches its maximum at the removal of all pain. When such pleasure is present, so long as it is uninterrupted, there is no pain either of body or of mind or of both together.

4) Continuous bodily pain does not last long; instead, pain, if extreme, is present a very short time, and even that degree of pain which slightly exceeds bodily pleasure does not last for many days at once. Even diseases of long duration allow an excess of bodily pleasure over pain.

5) It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and honorably and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely and honorably and justly without living pleasantly. Whenever any one of these is lacking, when, for instance, the man is not able to live wisely, though he lives honorably and justly, it is impossible for him to live a pleasant life.

6) Whatever you can provide yourself with to secure protection from men is a natural good.

7) Some men want fame and status, thinking that they would thus make themselves secure against other men. If the life of such men really were secure, they have attained a natural good; if, however, it is insecure, they do not possess that for which they originally aimed for by the instinct of nature.

8) No pleasure is a bad thing in itself: but the means which produce some pleasures bring with them disturbances many times greater than the pleasures themselves.

9) If every pleasure could be intensified so that it lasted and influenced the whole organism or the most essential parts of our nature, pleasures would never differ from one another.

10) If those things which make the pleasures of debauched men, put an end to the fears of the mind, and to those concerns about the heavenly bodies, and death, and pain; and if they taught us what ought to be the limit of our desires, we should never have cause to blame them: for they would be filling themselves full with pleasures from every source and never have pain of body or mind, which is the chief evil of life.

11) If we were not troubled by apprehensions about the phenomena of the sky and about death, fearing that it concerns us, and also by our failure to grasp the limits of pains and desires, we should have no need to study nature.

12) A man cannot dispel his fear about the most important matters if he does not know what is the nature of the universe but suspects the truth of some mythical story. So without the study of nature there is no enjoyment of pure pleasure.

13) There is no profit in securing protection in relation to men, if things above and beneath the earth and throughout the boundless universe remain matters of suspicion.

14) Irresistible power and great wealth may, up to a certain point, give us security as far as men are concerned; but generally, the security of men depends upon the tranquillity of their souls, and their freedom from ambition.

15) Natural wealth is both limited and easily obtained; but the riches demanded by vain ideals are insatiable.

16) Misfortune seldom intrudes upon the wise man; his greatest and highest interests are directed by reason throughout the course of life.

17) The just man is the freest of all men from disquietude; but the unjust man is a perpetual prey to it.

18) Bodily pleasure does not increase when the pain of want has been removed; after that it only varies. The limit of mental pleasure, however, is reached when we reflect on these bodily pleasures and their related emotions, which used to cause the mind the greatest alarms.

19) Infinite and finite time both have equal pleasure, if anyone measures its limits by reason.

20) The flesh considers the limits of pleasure to be boundless, and to provide it would require unlimited time. But the mind, intellectually grasping what the end and limit of the flesh is, and banishing the terrors of eternity, furnishes a complete and perfect life, and we no longer have any need of unlimited time. Nevertheless, the mind does not shun pleasure; and when circumstances begin to bring about the departure from life, it does not approach its end as though it fell short in any way of the best life possible.

21) He who understands the limits of life knows that it is easy to obtain that which removes the pain of want and makes the whole of life complete and perfect. Thus he has no longer any need of things which are troublesome to attain.

22) We must always refer our conclusions both to our goals and to the evidence of direct perception; otherwise, all will be full of doubt and confusion.

23) If you fight against all your sensations, you will have no standard by which to refer, and thus no means of judging even those sensations which you claim are false.

24) If you reject any single sensation and fail to distinguish between an opinion based on what awaits confirmation versus evidence already available based on the senses, feelings, and every intuitive faulty of mind, you will confound all other sensations as well with the same groundless opinion, so that you will reject every standard of judgment. And if among the mental images created by your opinion you affirm both that which awaits confirmation and that which does not, you will not escape error, since you will have preserved a basis for doubt in every judgment between what is right and what is wrong.

25) If you do not on every occasion refer each of your actions to the ultimate end prescribed by nature, but instead turn to some other end in the process of choice or avoidance, your actions will not be consistent with your theories.

26) All desires that do not lead to pain when they remain unsatisfied are unnecessary, but such desires are easily discarded when the thing desired is difficult to obtain or the desires seem likely to produce harm.

27) Of all the things that wisdom provides for living one’s entire life in happiness, the greatest by far is the possession of friendship.

28) The same conviction which inspires confidence that nothing terrible lasts forever, or even for long, also enables us to see that in the midst of the limited evils of this life, nothing enhances our security so much as friendship.

29) Among desires some are natural and necessary, some natural but not necessary, and others neither natural nor necessary, but due to groundless opinion.

30) Those natural desires which entail no pain when unsatisfied, though pursued with an intense effort, are also due to groundless opinion; and it is not because of their own nature they are not dispelled, but because of the vain fancies of humankind.

31) The justice which arises from nature is a pledge of mutual advantage to restrain men from harming one another and to keep oneself from being harmed.

32) For all living things which have not been able to make compacts not to harm one another or be harmed, nothing is ever either just nor unjust; and likewise too for all tribes of men which have been unable or unwilling to make compacts not to harm or be harmed.

33) There never was such a thing as absolute justice, but only agreements made in mutual dealings among men in whatever places at various times providing against the infliction or suffering of harm.

34) Injustice is not an evil in itself, but only in consequence of the accompanying fear of being unable to escape those appointed to punish such actions.

35) It is not possible for one who acts in secret violation of the terms of the compact not to harm or be harmed, to be confident that he will escape detection, even if at present he escapes a thousand times. For up until the time of death he will feel uncertain that he will indeed escape.

36) Overall, justice is the same for all people, for it is a kind of mutual advantage in the dealing of men with one another; but with reference to the individual peculiarities of a country or any other circumstances the same thing does not turn out to be universally just.

37) Among actions which are considered as just by law, that which is proven by examination to create advantageous conditions for men’s dealings with one another, has the guarantee of justice, whether it is the same for all or not. But if a man makes a law and it does not turn out to lead to advantage in men’s dealings with each other, then it no longer has the essential nature of justice. And if what is mutually advantageous varies, and for a period of time corresponds to our concept of justice, it is not less true that during that time, it really was just, at least for those who do not preoccupy themselves about vain words, but who prefer in every case, to examine and judge for themselves.

38) Where, without any change in circumstances, the things held to be just by law are seen not to correspond with the concept of justice in actual practice, such laws are not really just. But wherever the laws have ceased to be advantageous because of a change in circumstances, in that case and for that time the laws were just when they were advantageous for the mutual dealings of the citizens, and subsequently ceased to be just when they were no longer advantageous.

39) He who desires to live tranquilly without having anything to fear from other men, ought to make himself friends; those whom he cannot make friends of, he should, at least avoid rendering enemies; and if that is not in his power, he should, as far as possible, avoid all intercourse with them, and keep them aloof, as far as it is for his interest to do so.

40) The happiest men are those who have arrived at the point of having nothing to fear from those who surround them. Such men live with one another most agreeably, having the firmest grounds of confidence in one another, enjoying the advantages of friendship in all their fullness, they do not mourn a friend who dies before they do, as if there was a need for pity.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

word for the day


cathartic

1 ca·thar·tic Pronunciation: k&-'thär-tik Function: adjective Etymology: Late Latin or Greek; Late Latin catharticus, from Greek kathartikos, from kathairein: of, relating to, or producing catharsis

catharsis

ca·thar·sis Pronunciation: k&-'thär-s&s Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses /-"sEz/ Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos 1 : PURGATION 2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension 3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

purgation

pur·ga·tion Pronunciation: "p&r-'gA-sh&n Function: noun: the act or result of purging

purge

1 purge Pronunciation: 'p&rj Function: verb Inflected Form(s): purged; purg·ing Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French purgier, from Latin purigare, purgare to purify, purge, from purus pure + -igare (akin to agere to drive, do) -- more at ACT transitive senses1 a : to clear of guilt b : to free from moral or ceremonial defilement 2 a : to cause evacuation from (as the bowels) b (1) : to make free of something unwanted (2) : to free (as a boiler) of sediment or relieve (as a steam pipe) of trapped air by bleeding c (1) : to rid (as a nation or party) by a purge (2) : to get rid of intransitive senses 1 : to become purged 2 : to have or produce frequent evacuations 3 : to cause purgation- purg·er noun

with thanks to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Monday, September 13, 2004

She writes...


You say that no one has ever shared such a fantasy with you...I have to admit that while this is a real fantasy of mine, I have never shared this fantasy with anyone...I guess that is one reason it took so long to write. I also know that it is more than a fantasy to me it is a real desire that I have...I guess that is why the first part I called fantasy or reality. I am now wondering if I went too far in sharing all of it with you? In one respect I am glad that my fantasy story arouses you, but in another I am afraid that I may have revealed too much information...information that should be kept for that special person that I would want to share this fantasy with. It has to do with the love and passion that you have written of before. Maybe there is a danger in sharing the physical aspects of my desire with you, especially when it means so much to me. With the distance factor between us it is probably a fantasy to imagine the possibility of us ever meeting. You say that the story makes you want to satisfy the longings and desires that I have, but do you really mean this? I have a great big heart, probably too big and my desire, more than the physical, is to one day meet someone that I can truly share my heart with...someone who wants to share their heart with me! I know that this is a reality that does exist for some, I have seen it and it is the reality I desire! More than anything in this world I want to be loved, truly loved by someone who is gentle and strong and who has a positive outlook and can see some good in everything. Someone to be my best friend and life's companion. Someone who is kind with a compassionate spirit knowing how to share love as well as receive love. A strong man but with the ability to share his heart. Someone that I can trust, the best lover I will ever know, my companion, hand holder, smile sharer and best friend. Someone who I can encourage who can encourage me. If I can ever find this person, then I believe that the pleasure I described in my story can be reality! The problem with all that is, as I see others who have love in there life I don't believe anyone with the exception of my parents, has ever loved me. And where does one go to find love?

When she says that "it means so much to me", and "someone that I can trust"... I feel guilty about sharing her personal thoughts & words. I will trust that by remaining anonymous, the sharing (and chronicle) of these thoughts will help me to sort out what is important. Our words may be serious, they may be fun, truth, fiction or something in between. This blog is about sharing my thoughts, and also events that seem important. I will try not to offend, and will hope not to embarrass anyone other than myself.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where hate rules, let me bring love;
where malice, forgiveness;
where disputes, reconciliation;
where error, truth;
where doubt, belief;
where despair, hope;
where darkness, Thy light!
O Master, let me strive more
to comfort others than to be comforted,
to understand others than to be understood,
to love others, more than to be loved. . .
For
it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


When I got up this morning, I had a chance to enjoy a cup of coffee before the sun ( & son ), came to me... I switched on CNN and proceeded to watch the entire 9-11 documentary. On Saturday, I mostly avoided reference to this disaster. I was brought to tears once more, and there is still anger, pain and all sorts of hurt. I do not think that George the Younger has done a very good job, but I give him credit for doing something. I wish that we had a different man in the white house, but when the shit hit the fan, and the entire nation needed to believe that we had a leader, we had to put our faith in him. It would have been worse if we had not, but now... we do have a choice !

Friday, September 10, 2004

we're not talkin' coffee & scones here

and her response was:

As my hands slide down your back, they find your butt and I pull you close...feeling the stiffness of your erection through the fabric layers that separate our flesh. The dress that I am wearing is cut low to expose the rise of my breast and as our lips part...yours find their way to this spot and further explore this area...as your fingers undo the buttons one by one exposing more flesh...my fingers have found your belt...I undo the buckle, the clasp, the zipper and in all of your excitement you find your own way through the fabric folds and emerge hard, pulsating and glistening with a drop of moisture...I can't hold back another minute...I long to feel you between my lips...to taste you, to swallow all of you...you easily guide me to the wide chaise behind the table and as I sit my lips are level with your erection peaking out from behind the fabric layers...I spread my lips and you slowly enter in a steady rhythm ...

Geeez... and what would you do ?
Now this may not have anything to do with love (maybe it does), but it does create a lot of purely sexual desire on my part. If anyone thinks me the tease... I speak with a pure heart. If anyone thinks that I fear such an encounter... I only fear reality not being as sweet as the fantasy. Before I get back to the subject of love, I may want to explore masturbation as a means of managing healthy hormones and balancing what sanity I have left... And now there is this post script. I know that I am a fantasy for her, and it would be wrong to take advantage of the situation.

I spread my lips and you slowly enter in a steady rhythm ...my tongue licks the tip of your erection, tracing along the backside to the base. I trace the vein with my tongue and lick you down to your inner thigh and your balls. My hands reach around your tight butt and pull you close...I move over on the chase and as you lie down I swing myself around so that my sex is above your mouth...I want to feel you rub my slit with your fingers...I am wet with anticipation and to my surprise it is not your fingers that I feel , but the probing tip of your tongue...tracing a path spreading my swollen lips to my throbbing clit...as I gently suck your balls you grab my cheeks pulling me closer to your mouth...as you taste me with your lips and tongue my hips rock as I press myself tight to you...my mouth going up and down on you and you are licking my sweet salty juices as the longing for all of you makes my juice flow...I am ready for all of you ...You push me over and gently lie me down on the chaise...you look deep into my eyes as I guide you toward my wet quivering flesh...you slide in easily and I gasp...When I feel how good and perfectly you fill me ...I clench the inner muscles around you squeezing...tightening around your throbbing member...releasing...slowly nearly withdrawing...moving together in a steady rhythm...harder deeper a little faster...I am cumming...Cum with me!!! The pulsating wave of pleasure begins deep inside and radiates outward...you shoot your juice deep inside as you throb harder and harder into my depths...we collapse into each other...we fondle each other tenderly after the passion has exploded...we fall asleep wrapped in each others arms...

On the other hand... don't we all deserve the chance to be satisfied ?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

she asks for more...


As you say “sweet wet dreams”, I feel the blood start to fill my cock. God, how I wish I was laying with you, naked, skin to skin, breathing the same breaths, and feeling the slightest motion, the smallest thought sending signals through imperceptible touches. I am looking at the light sparkling off of your breast, your nipples standing firm and taught, and your chest rising in deep even breaths. The shadows playing on your flat, amber colored belly, with a finger tracing circles around your navel. What a wonderful, mysterious little cavern that is… that stands as a dark beacon, directing my attention to the pleasures that lay even lower, between the swaying knees and flexing muscles of your thighs. I take the flat palm of my hand and place it softly on your warming mound, and stroke the hairs that part above your pussy. The fingers do not touch the soft folds of skin that have begun to open like an oyster, wanting to be stimulated and teased. You place your hand on mine, pressing down so lightly at first, letting your own fingers slip thru mine to feel the moist opening below. Your clit is swollen wanting attention, as you press fingers first on top then rolling the firm pleasure button between your wet digits, and you moan a low growl, that comes from somewhere deep inside. My lips are sucking your firm tits, and I nibble at and drag my teeth over one, and then the other. My hand slides down past your pussy so that I can grab your ass, and squeeze the entire cheek, spreading you from behind, opening up your bottom to my touch. My thumb is pressing on your pussy, teasing the depths, and pushing your lips wider, then the sliding, probing moist finger crosses your constricted anus, and pushes in a warm hello. My body is sliding down while I am licking and kissing your stomach, and lower, hands pushing you apart as my head is lowering between your legs. My kisses are at first along the sides of your crotch. First on one side, and then the other, and then back again, while I linger over the sweet smell of your sex. My tongue is now the explorer. Licking your opening below, and following the trail of love to your clit, I press my face into your pussy. I let my tongue dive inside, and come back to the sensations, the fiery clit that wants to be sucked, and licked, and stroked, and flicked and pressed into my face. My thumb is back, now sliding into your pussy from below and you are surprised and moan loudly. Another finger presses on your ass, as you rise your bottom up while pressing on my head saying yes! yes! yes! I feel your pussy constrict, tightening around my finger, and while you continue to press on me, I am suddenly greeted by a rushing of hot love juices flowing from within. You’re more vocal, you’re rocking side to side with legs pulled up high to let me in you, and you shudder as you cum.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

What you smell is not roses


Love is a Cunt

There are those in life that are truly hopeless romantics. Those that have an unshakeable faith in pure love and its ultimate rewards. If you take those hopeless romantics, and punish them again and again for what they believe in, strapping them up to the rack of love and stretching them until their beliefs snap and their virtues tear - you will eventually find they think... Love is a Cunt.

My intro here is a link that may be worth a look, and I hope that I do not offend anyone on the other end. It sounds like a bunch of mean, deprived, hurt bitches and insecure men without a clue to the richness of emotional fulfillment. Actually there is a lot of truth in their writing (I'm jealous), and I am going to keep an open mind about love, even if it kills me... and it probably will! That being said, there is the more analytical:

The ancient Greeks believed that there are three types of love: Agape (godly love), Eros (human sexual love), and Philos (brotherly fraternal love).

John Lee, has described and labeled different kinds of love: Romantic love -- Best friend or companionate love -- Unselfish love -- Logical love -- Game-playing love.

Robert Sternberg has a theory that there are three components to love: (1) Intimacy = baring souls, sharing, liking, and bonding. (2) Passion = sexual attraction. (3) Commitment = stable, dependable devotion.

And now I have a story of my own... My story is my blog.

My son and I have just returned from a weekend with my parents. My father is 91, suffering from some obvious but undiagnosed form of dementia (plus numerous physical ailments). He is often not sure of the events of the day, and he now spends time and energy obsessing on both real and imagined dangers and pleasures. My mother is a saintly woman, patiently listening, caring for and nurturing the man that she loves. The two of them were celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary in a very muted way. While there is love, there are hard choices facing this couple. My mother is facing the singular responsibility of moving my father into a room where he can receive a complete regiment of care and attention by a staff with the training and energy to care for his afflictions. It breaks my heart to see this happen, but this is what they have expected and planned for all along. The day that we never hoped to see is right around the corner, and there will be anger, pain, guilt, lose... yet above all there will be love. These two people have set an example for me (and hopefully my son), of how it can and should be. There is a commitment to the marriage, relationship and to each other, while having faith in their family, their church, and the future.

The question now turns to my search... and my needs and desires... and if I can be true to myself, and honest with a lover. Am I looking for the relationship that I see in my parents, or is there something else for me ?

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

A moment's rage...

My time is not my own, and never will be. It belongs to those people around me that I deem to be most important. Now, a large part of my waking hours are devoted to a job that I sometimes love and sometimes hate, but even here the effort is to be the provider for my son. I am not so self-centered that I feel that I must have things come to me, or always go my way, but I do see myself as the center of my universe... as you are the center of yours, and we all are complete universes of our own, pushing our own limits, exploring our pasts, and being weary of the future. When viewed as a collective, it is a crime what appears. We are on a collective path of self destruction as we poison our world, and wage multiple wars of genocide, and oppressing masses for the perverted power hungry few. Damn... It's time to fix supper for my son.

Ahhhhaa.... (sigh) Supper actually turned out OK. Red beans & rice, there was some kind of meat & yellow corn for the splash of color and juicy texture. I am not bitter at the world (unless I think about it). It has actually been one hell of a month... a death to deal with, two hurricanes, the democratic convention, Olympics, cyber-sex and camping with the boy. There is another storm on the way, and the republicans are having their party in N.Y.C. September will bring soccer and cooler nights. I will make a concerted effort to find a date that requires little or no money, spend more time on the farm, and answer the question that was triggered by the lyrics... "if you can't be with the one you love... love the one your with" I am not trying to define love, but I do wonder... is there magic... are the fireworks real... where do the butterflies come from ???

Sunday, August 29, 2004

the feelings were real... and still are



The following was written late in 2002, about feelings created from a vitual love, for a woman that stole my heart... and those feelings are just as real today.

As I write this, it has become autumn, and my son has just turned nine years old, the first cool rains of the season have snuck down from the mountains. The leaves are lighting the forest floor and the sun filtering between the branches shines like a multi-colored prism. Music still drifts thru opened windows before dusk, and darkness seems to slowly hide that special time of summer when we would stay outside laughing until it was almost time for bed. That laughter has not been with me for some time, but something special has happened in my life. I have encountered a special spirit. One person that has been capable of igniting that spark of emotion, which has for so long slept within me. I have felt new life swelling and dancing, in and around me; and the laughter and smiles are spontaneous, and contagious, and addictive. Oh, to have that potion, that magic, that supernatural power... is something that we often seek elsewhere; but it is because we sometimes forget that this power is within us always. Those emotions can not live alone, and that is why we sometimes loose sight of them. But the journey to bring them back is the journey of life itself. How often have we experienced an emotional charge so powerful that we can never forget, so wonderful that it must be shared, and so fleeting, that we spend a lifetime searching to bring it back. Those emotions can be kept alive and vibrant by other souls who reach out across space and time, and breathe life into us, as we can also reach out. Life is not about satisfying the self, but about sharing the self. In this way we become larger and wiser than we could ever be alone. We become more alive in every gift of love and compassion that can be shared with another. We become more whole as we surrender to a power larger than our own...

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Now, that's a scary thought

Yes, I am still searching, and above all questioning myself. What love? What kind of love? Is it possible to find virtual love or real love in a virtual environment? I have felt the overpowering obsession here (on-line), and I called that love. Unfortunately it was with a woman that lived on the other side of the world. While the distance did make me feel safe, during a time when I still needed to feel safe, I was able to let go of my inhibitions. I fear love! I fear the power that it can hold over me, and the ability that emotions have to preclude logic. My dilemma today is how to make the leap from virtual emotional involvement into a more real flesh and blood woman. I can fall in love so easy, it makes me back off before I know what might be right. There is within me a burning sexual passion that runs just under the surface. If I am to chase the physical pleasure of sex, I also know that there is a danger of creating an aura of love, even if I only see a passionate moment.

So, at this moment, an interesting situation is unfolding. There are two women that I am communicating with, playing the get to know you game of interest, opening up, revealing ours pasts, hopes and dreams for the future, and the burning desires that consume our sub-conscious as well as conscious thoughts. The first is two hundred miles away and we play the sexual tease, cyber-sex, I want you in bed with me so soon. The other is in Sweden. Now this is not quite the short drive of the first, there is interest... but more on the Platonic, what is life and love all about, and how we might find perfect love... that level of conversation. The first is married for another few months with a huge pool of damned up sexual energy that is ready for a passionate affair, but with two small girls at home (but not all of the time). The second is twice married, with four grown children, and a ten year old at home. She is English, but a long time resident of Sweden. She tells me she is looking for new ground to sink her roots into, and would be able to consider such a move, but the reality is that we continue to explore the perfect dream. One is named Carol, the other Caroline. Both are slim, with short dark hair, and not like most other women that I have dated. Neither one is particularly buxom, but healthy, and in some ways they both remind me of my mother when she was in her 40s. Now that is a scary thought, and a new one for me.

Monday, August 23, 2004

No complaints, and few regrets

I am not complaining, as I found that I can be my own best friend. I waited until my late 30s before I felt the urge to marry and settle down. I know now, and I knew then that I was in love, but there was also this need that I felt to have a child and a family of my own. It was a nesting response to my age, and probably the fact that most of my friends were having children of their own. I could not let this part of life pass me by. I have had few actual loves, or love affairs in my life. I know that feeling is as sweet as anything I have ever experienced, and I know the agony of losing love is the worst. I have only been married once. It was an on and off relationship for years, and when I wanted to bring it all together, and commit, there was no question in my mind. I take commitment to be a serious and personal virtue. There are certain things that define who, or what we are. I am trying to make the ability to be trusted, and and having a sense of honor a constant in my life. I am far from perfect, and do not try to be, but I do have the best of intentions. When my marriage ended, it was a feeling of betrayal of that commitment that hurt, I think even more than the feeling that there was a love lost. The love in my marriage slowly faded while I was consumed with a long term crisis at work. I knew what was coming at work before it happened, and my attempt to prepare my wife was not a success. As I was consumed at work, trying to save the business, my wife was having problems of her own that I was not in tune with. There is not blame, and there is not overt feelings of anger, but I will always resent that the contract was broken. The big picture will indicate that the choice was a wise one. It has been said many times, and I will not dissagree... it is better to live alone, than to live with someone that you do not love. My son is well adjusted, and has two wonderful homes... each with it's own benefits and lessons, but often I think he has been short changed on some opportunities that I alone can not provide.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

A Sunday muse

There is a certain joy knowing that a seed has been planted. There can be great wondrous growth, and the height and breath of friendship will only be dependant upon our willingness to tend this garden. I am aware that too much fertilizer will surely poison the soil, so please mention to me if you think that I am off track. I may even be dead wrong about life, about love, or I may seem to place too much hope in phantom goals and dreams. I do not mind being corrected, and I learn from my mistakes every day. The quest for love is a challenge, and the opportunities are many. I do know what I seek, and it is a feeling, and it is real. There is not a word that describes love, and the contentment that it brings. It was once said that to define love is to surely kill it. We dare not set boundaries and limits. We will rejoice in our open hearts, but there is a rational life that also must be weighed and understood. I pray that my words can touch common nerves, tickle the soul with happy thoughts, bring knowledge, peace, and a deeper, richer understanding of the self. If love, true love is to be found here it will take an incredible set of circumstances and a willingness to follow our dreams. I am happy with myself, but I also know that life is better when it is shared. The highs are always higher, and the lows are less so.

Saturday, August 21, 2004



Let me speak of love and passion between a man and a woman. These two allies are very different. While one tastes fine with the other, love without passion could be as simple as respect, and passion without love might equate to lust. I think that given a choice, many of use would choose love over passion, but the animal in us is strong. The instincts that have driven the procreation of our species are rooted deep in the psyche. Stand close, next to an attractive stranger (opposite sex please), and lightly rub up against them. This (hypothetical) experiment may work better in a crowded room if you don’t want to appear to be too seriously forward, but the passion light can be switched on so quickly. While most of us have learned to manage such advances with grace, dancing away with little more than an unanswered question, there is an opportunity to grab the moment and search for an introduction, and a new meaning on a more Platonic level. It may be that society requires a measure of respect in order to move this encounter to a higher level. Almost all of relationships will live and die somewhere within the realm of respect. There is a danger in being focused on the physical. Most of us have experienced total sexual fulfillment or satisfaction, and this comes after varying degrees of both physical as well as mental intercourse, or we have simply learned to suppress these desires. When our libidos have been satisfied, we are left with respect of our partner, or not. It is in this state of mental union that the relationship will grow and flourish, or wither and die. Sex, and the desire for satisfaction will sometimes covertly drive a conversation, the choice to see one another, or it may be the other more purely human need to satisfy the ego.

Death comes knocking



Death came knocking this week. Sam's uncle Patrick, Ellen's brother, died after a month in hospital, and a half dozen surgeries to mend intestinal problems. Now death is not a new concept for Sam, but being only ten years old, death has a strange un-nerving effect. He managed a few special prayers, told me that he felt better not talking about it.

For me, I have lost a friend, but no longer a member of the family. It is very odd meeting with the ex family, with whom I had once developed friendships, now distanced by divorce. Such is my life. The entire death event was unexpected, but with such an extended hospital stay, the end was a relief for the family. I did what I could from the sidelines, but it was not my grief to bare.

All of the turmoil that this has created seems to have pushed my personal interests aside. I do not worry about myself, but it does make me wonder what control the past has over my life. For the sake of my son, I do wish to maintain good relations with the ex. There is still a bitter-root at the cross-roads. I can forgive many things, but to be so personally betrayed, with promises broken and dreams dashed, will always be unpleasant to remember and forgiveness will never truly be realized.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

return mail...

I have been the recipient of several provocative e-mails from a warm, caring, sensual woman. She is attractive, and apparently has not had the pleasure of sharing a bed with any man in several years. I was propositioned to respond to her messages with a fantasy of my own...

I wonder now, how to began... My attraction for you, my first impression, what enticed me to write was the sight of a woman that I felt could be both serious and fun, hardworking and playful, composed but with a burning desire to be satisfied. Yes I am saying that even looking at that small picture of you, I could see in your eyes (and lips, and hips, and loins...), a longing and a desire to be held, and taken by a man to places that you could not go alone. There is a special feeling of leaving the world behind when surrendering to the passions of sexual pleasure. Exploring the sometimes dark corners of the mind (and body), by throwing open the guarded windows of our souls, feeling safe to expose the imperfect in order to create a moment in time that is so rich in pleasure and satisfaction that all other cares and worries simply melt away and are forgotten.



I wonder of all of my fantasies, how I could began to describe the place or circumstances... a warm summer afternoon, a room with sunlight, and a soft breeze hinting at the smell of autumn. You would be dressed in a light cotton sun dress... buttons down the front... exposing tanned breasts, Bare foot, with a cool dry wine to tickle the senses and calm the nerves. We talk and laugh, touch and stare into one anothers eyes... wondering of the history that has been... and the history not yet written. This is where the words between us no longer matter... our bodies are close... pressing against one another in an embrace... lips meeting... with eyes closing the distractions of the world. There is a smell of... the woman. Kissing the lips, the mouth, tasting the juices and your skin for the first time... letting my head slide beside yours to taste the curve and texture of your neck, pulling your hair slightly back out of my face... my hands are moving slowly... exploring the curves of your waist, your hips and buttocks... squeezing and sliding lightly over the fabric of your dress. This moment... these moments could go on, and on... testing... and tasting... holding, and squeezing... stroking your hair and sucking at your lips and tongue. You let me hold your breasts, and my hands are full... your eyes close with a sigh of pleasure... and you murmur that yes... you want me. Still standing, I reach down below the hem of the dress to touch your leg, and I slowly run my hand up your thigh... and down. Back up, feeling the soft firmness of your legs, I let my hand rub across your mound, still covered by a silky garment that hides a warming, pulsating, and damping pussy. You spread your legs slightly as I let my hand dip between your thighs and there are more moans, and your face is becoming flushed with desire and your breathing a little deeper. Lightly, there is a touch, a movement, a pressure and release that has your legs open wider and your pelvis pushing into my hand. I slip my fingers under the vail to feel the softness of your hairs, the warm dampness below, and my fingers slowly travel the length of your pussy... your hand comes down upon mine... pushing slowly upon my fingers... I let one slip inside of you... yes... you are thinking, and saying, feeling and moving that this feels good, and that you are ready for more...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Later the same day...

The afternoon was long... expecting Sam sometime after 4.00... he arrives at 9.00. The Olympics are on the tube, and if I watch it... I am excited by the chase for gold, and the stories of sacrifice that all of these atheletes have gone through.

Again I get the note... the message that makes me want to know the author: Joining you in your shower, sharing passionate kisses as water rushes over wet flesh pressed together in a passionate embrace, sharing a long sensual kiss, tongues dancing together and fingers exploring other areas to excite and stimulate further desire...Laying back in bed and sharing kisses...kisses beginning at the nape of necks and journeying to ear lobes and lips and playfully finding other erogenous zones of pleasure where we elicit sounds of pleasure and delight...Secretly desiring your closeness...the smile we share as we meet...pulse racing ,heart beating faster...longing to touch and share conversation with laughter and gentle caresses...

Charley


Named Charley

It is mid-day Saturday, and the storm named Charley has just missed (by about 20 miles) going right over mom & dad. They got a good blow in Charleston, and some rain, but everything is well. The news headline was that there was "significant loss of life" in Florida. Is there ever an insignificant loss of life? I have spent another Saturday morning at work (too many loose ends), and Sam is off to do the Virginia Creeper Trail with Pack 1. I should have gone, but between work, mowing grass here, and getting some groceries I feel a little stretched.

Another nice note to share: The soft sensual feeling of lips pressed together in a passionate kiss... Parting lips revealing probing tongues... Probing tongues entwined dancing together in a long passionate kiss... Caressing hands gently touching, feeling, squeezing soft pliable flesh... Yes, it is a tease... but a healthy one I think!

As of yesterday, Patrick is holding his own after being in the hospital for three weeks, and being cut open a half dozen times.